Turning Towards Each Other

TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER

           

This week we discussed ways that we can turn towards our spouse. In the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, he talks first about obstacles that we face when it comes to turning towards our spouse. He says that one of them is “missing a bid because it’s wrapped up in anger or another negative emotion”. This means that our spouse it trying to tell us something and we are too wrapped up in our own thoughts that we aren’t able to read through their emotions and discern what they are actually trying to say to us. This can be hard on both people because one person is trying to communicate, and the other is trying to understand, but both people are having a hard time. The second obstacle is “being distracted by the wired world”. This means that we really need to be present with our spouse and give them our full undivided attention. We should not be trying to respond to texts or emails when we are also trying to spend time with our spouse. This will not strengthen the relationship and will actually cause things to be worse. You need to unplug and really focus on each other.

Dr. Gottman also includes some exercises that will help us to strengthen our relationship with each other. These include “the emotional bank account, the stress-reducing conversation, and talking it out”. These three activities will help us to draw closer to our spouse and help our marriage to become stronger than it was before.

In a later chapter, Dr. Gottman talks about the four pillars of shared meaning. They are: “rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols”. Each of these pillars comes with a questionnaire that you can fill out with your spouse to see where you stand on it. These need to be strengthened in order to have a better marriage. The questionnaires have a series of questions that you can discuss with your spouse and then talk about ways to improve.

To wrap things up, Brother H. Wallace Goddard shares a quote in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that says, “Spouses unchanged by the Spirit of God are likely to find fault with many things their partners say and do. This tendency can be replaced by a much more helpful one. When our partners say or do things that surprise or bother us, we can begin a friendly investigation. In our own minds we can ask ourselves, "I wonder why he feels or acts that way?" "I wonder why that is important to her?" Rather than judging our partners, we can seek to understand them.”

Love, Admiration, and Fondness

LOVE, ADMIRATION, AND FONDNESS

This week we read some more chapters in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D. The chapters were about enhancing your love map with your spouse, and nurturing your fondness and admiration. They were really great chapters and I was able to learn a lot of things about myself and what I want in a future spouse. In the chapter on enhancing your love map, Dr. Gottman suggests three activities that will help you enhance the love map you have of your spouse. The activities include: the love map twenty questions game, asking open ended questions, and the “Who am I” activity. Each of these activities will increase your awareness of the needs of your spouse and will help you to each have better love maps of each other.

In the chapter on nurturing fondness and admiration, Dr. Gottman suggests some activities that will fan the flames of your marriage. These activities include: the “I appreciate…” activity, the history and philosophy of your relationship, cherishing your partner, and a seven-week course in fondness and admiration. Each of these activities will help you to have greater appreciation and admiration for your spouse.

As I was reading about these different activities, I was thinking about my own parents and what makes their marriage work. They consistently tell each other that they love and support each other. They also know what is going on in each other’s lives, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, etc. It shows that they love and value each other and that they have deep admiration and fondness for each other.

My favorite activity from all of the activities that were mentioned in both chapters was the seven week course in fondness and admiration. Each day for seven weeks, the book gives you something to think about and something to do that will strengthen the relationship you have with your spouse. Some of them are easy such as writing down a characteristic of your spouse that makes you proud, and some of them require a little more thought such as planning an outing or a romantic date with your spouse. All of the activities are geared towards increasing your admiration and fondness for your spouse.

The Four Horsemen

FOUR HORSEMEN OF MARRIAGE

This week has definitely been my favorite. I love learning about ways to make my future marriage better. My favorite part of the reading was learning about the four horsemen from John Gottman. He says that the four housemen of the apocalypse for a marriage are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He goes on to explain what each of these mean and how to identify them.

Criticism: A criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. A complaint also has three parts which include: here’s how I feel, about a very specific situation, and here’s what I need/want/prefer.  In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. An example would be “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.” They also start out by being quite harsh.

Contempt: This is a form of disrespect that arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. Examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. It is a type of poison for relationships because it conveys disgust. It also leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

Defensiveness: This is a way of blaming your partner for things. In effect, you’re saying that “The problem is not me, it is you.” One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” stance, which often results in whining and sends a certain message to your partner. It escalates conflict and that is one of the many reasons why it is so deadly and damaging to marriages.

Stonewalling: This happens when one of the spouses tunes out of the conversation. Stonewallers don’t give the typical cues to their spouse that say that they are listening and understanding. They usually just look away and don’t say anything. They act as if they just don’t care about anything the other person is saying. This can also be very harmful for a marriage.

These four horsemen are important to remember because once we understand them, we are better able to recognize them and get rid of them. My goal is to focus on getting rid of these one at a time. This will only happen as I learn more about them and examine my own life more closely.

Information was adapted from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. artner for things. In effect, you' it y over on'out the other'

Doctrine of Marriage

DOCTRINE OF MARRIAGE

            I absolutely love learning about the gospel perspective on marriage. And I loved the readings for this week because they were all talks from apostles. Because I loved them so much, most of my post this week will be quotes from the different talks. The first quote that I loved comes from the talk Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan by Elder David A. Bednar. He said, “After the earth was created, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden. Importantly, however, God said it was “not good that the man should be alone” and Eve became Adam’s companion and helpmeet. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness.” That is so powerful because it shows that we need both men and women. The combination of those two is what makes up a marriage. I also liked what Elder Bruce C. Hafen had to say about Adam and Eve in his talk titled Covenant Marriage. He said, “Christ’s life is the story of giving the Atonement. The life of Adam and Eve is the story of receiving the Atonement, which empowered them to overcome their separation from God and all opposition until they were eternally “at one,” with the Lord, and with each other.” This was actually mind blowing because I hadn’t really thought about it in that way! But then I realized that we learn that principle and doctrine in the temple. I love going to the temple because it is where I feel the closest to heaven. In the talk What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple, President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Now let me say something else to all who can worthily go to the House of the Lord. When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you: you will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears; you will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before; your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you; you will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised; you will receive the key of the knowledge of God, you will learn how you can be like Him, even the power of godliness will be manifest to you; and you will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.”’ These blessings are real and they are available to us. My final quote comes from President Joseph Fielding Smith in his talk titled The Fullness of the Priesthood. He said, “With all my heart I say to those who are keeping the commandments, who are serving faithfully in the Church, and who are working for the good and betterment of mankind generally, with all my heart I say: The Lord bless you; and you may rest assured that if you continue in the paths of truth and righteousness, he will welcome you into his eternal kingdom and give you an inheritance with the prophets and saints of all ages.” It is my hope and prayer that we will do everything we can to be good husbands and wives or to prepare to become such. We can do this by keeping the commandments, and doing those other things that we need to such as attending the temple.