FOUR
HORSEMEN OF MARRIAGE
This week has definitely
been my favorite. I love learning about ways to make my future marriage better.
My favorite part of the reading was learning about the four horsemen from John
Gottman. He says that the four housemen of the apocalypse for a marriage are criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He goes on to explain what each of
these mean and how to identify them.
Criticism: A criticism is different from a
complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. A complaint
also has three parts which include: here’s how I feel, about a very specific
situation, and here’s what I need/want/prefer.
In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or
opinions about the other’s character or personality. An example would be “Why
are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s
your turn. You just don’t care.” They also start out by being quite harsh.
Contempt: This is a form
of disrespect that arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. Examples
of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and
hostile humor. It is a type of poison for relationships because it conveys
disgust. It also leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.
Defensiveness: This is a
way of blaming your partner for things. In effect, you’re saying that “The
problem is not me, it is you.” One common form of defensiveness is the
“innocent victim” stance, which often results in whining and sends a certain
message to your partner. It escalates conflict and that is one of the many
reasons why it is so deadly and damaging to marriages.
Stonewalling: This
happens when one of the spouses tunes out of the conversation. Stonewallers
don’t give the typical cues to their spouse that say that they are listening
and understanding. They usually just look away and don’t say anything. They act
as if they just don’t care about anything the other person is saying. This can
also be very harmful for a marriage.
These four horsemen are
important to remember because once we understand them, we are better able to
recognize them and get rid of them. My goal is to focus on getting rid of these
one at a time. This will only happen as I learn more about them and examine my
own life more closely.
Information was adapted
from the book The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver.
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