Turning Towards Each Other

TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER

           

This week we discussed ways that we can turn towards our spouse. In the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, he talks first about obstacles that we face when it comes to turning towards our spouse. He says that one of them is “missing a bid because it’s wrapped up in anger or another negative emotion”. This means that our spouse it trying to tell us something and we are too wrapped up in our own thoughts that we aren’t able to read through their emotions and discern what they are actually trying to say to us. This can be hard on both people because one person is trying to communicate, and the other is trying to understand, but both people are having a hard time. The second obstacle is “being distracted by the wired world”. This means that we really need to be present with our spouse and give them our full undivided attention. We should not be trying to respond to texts or emails when we are also trying to spend time with our spouse. This will not strengthen the relationship and will actually cause things to be worse. You need to unplug and really focus on each other.

Dr. Gottman also includes some exercises that will help us to strengthen our relationship with each other. These include “the emotional bank account, the stress-reducing conversation, and talking it out”. These three activities will help us to draw closer to our spouse and help our marriage to become stronger than it was before.

In a later chapter, Dr. Gottman talks about the four pillars of shared meaning. They are: “rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols”. Each of these pillars comes with a questionnaire that you can fill out with your spouse to see where you stand on it. These need to be strengthened in order to have a better marriage. The questionnaires have a series of questions that you can discuss with your spouse and then talk about ways to improve.

To wrap things up, Brother H. Wallace Goddard shares a quote in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that says, “Spouses unchanged by the Spirit of God are likely to find fault with many things their partners say and do. This tendency can be replaced by a much more helpful one. When our partners say or do things that surprise or bother us, we can begin a friendly investigation. In our own minds we can ask ourselves, "I wonder why he feels or acts that way?" "I wonder why that is important to her?" Rather than judging our partners, we can seek to understand them.”