Intimacy

INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

“I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.” This quote which comes from an article titled They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage which was written by Brent A. Barlow is a great summary of what we learned about this week. This week our focus was on intimacy in marriage which is such an interesting subject. It's interesting because people don't usually like to talk about it but it's a normal part of life. Most people want to get married and have a family and that's only possible through intimacy.

At the same time, intimacy doesn’t always have to be sexual. In the dictionary, intimacy is stated as meaning “close familiarity or friendship; closeness”. This means that intimacy can be demonstrated in a variety of ways such as a hug, a kiss, holding hands, sitting close to someone, or even just having a conversation. Just like in the quote shared at the beginning, this is all about thinking of someone else before you think of yourself. In this case, we are talking about intimacy in marriage which helps you to get to know your spouse better. The more time you spend with them the more familiar you become with who they are as a person.

Intimacy in marriage is generally thought of as sexual intimacy. This type is important in a marriage because it brings two people together as husband and wife. Sexual intimacy has been ordained of God if it is performed in the right way, at the right time, and by people who are married and committed to each other. In the end it is said by Wallace Goddard that “Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.” We need to make sure we always stay true to the covenants we make with our spouse in the holy temple. 

Seeking to Understand

SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND

This week we actually finished both of the books that we have been reading throughout the whole semester. I loved reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. They are both written by inspired men and I look forward to the day when I will be able to apply the things that I have learned to my own marriage. For now, I will have to practice using them on my roommates.

In finishing these wonderful books, I learned a lot about understanding other people. In John Gottman’s book, he talked about overcoming gridlocked disagreements. A gridlocked disagreement is something that meets all of these criteria: “you [and your spouse have] had the same argument again and again with no resolution; neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection; the issue is becoming increasingly polarized as time goes on; and compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.” These kinds of disagreement can include things such as careers, the spending and earning of money, deciding how many children to have and when. When you have one of these disagreements, Gottman suggests three things that you need to do. You need to: “explore the dreams, soothe, and reach a temporary compromise using the two circle method.” Doing these things will help you to understand your spouse better and you will be able to work through things together.

            In Wallace Goddard’s book, he talks about having charity. It’s a powerful lesson that we all need to learn if we expect our marriages to succeed. Goddard says that “the natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice-a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” As we choose to see others the way that our Heavenly Father sees them, we will be less likely to focus on weaknesses and more likely to focus on strengths. t we all need to learn if we expect our marriages to succeed. ircle method."se it would mean selling out-

Conflict in Marriage

MANAGING CONFLICT

This week we read and learned about different kinds of contention and conflict and how to handle them. We read in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman about the two types of marital conflict and how to solve solvable problems. The two types of conflict involve perpetual and solvable problems. Dr. Gottman says that perpetual problems are ones that have been on-going and take longer to solve, while solvable problems are the ones that have recently started and they are easier to tackle head on. The book offers several exercises that you can complete in order to see which of these categories your marital problems fall into. Then in the next chapter, he offers suggestions on how to solve the solvable problems. It includes the following steps: soften your start-up, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and process any grievances so that they don’t linger. These steps will help you to solve any problems that you have and help you to have a happier marriage.

Satan doesn’t want us to resolve our marital conflicts. In a talk given by Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the seventy titled Agency and Anger, he states that, “The family is…Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.” We need to be aware of this and do our best to resolve conflicts before they get out of hand.

In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, he offers a way to do that by saying, “John Gottman’s research on marriage shows that partners who exchange equal numbers of positives and negatives are not those who are happily married. Though it may sound like a 50-50 relationship, they are at high risk of divorce. In contrast, the best indicator that a relationship would be loving and enduring was five positives for each negative! Rather than act as a careful investor, happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” We must act out of love for our partner. 

Pride

PRIDE

This week was all about pride in a marriage. We learned about what it is, how it manifests itself, and how to combat its effects. According to the Webster’s dictionary, pride is “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” This means that we put ourselves above other people and we think that we are better than them. This can be incredibly harmful to any marriage, let alone relationship. One person will think they are better than the other one and the other person will feel put down and belittled.

In the talk Beware of Pride, the author, President Ezra Taft Benson, defines pride in this way, “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” In reading through this quote, we can see how pride can cause problems in a marriage. In order to help couples avoid these and other problems, John M. Gottman has stated in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, several things to think about. He says that husbands need to learn from their wives, husbands need to be emotionally intelligent, both partners need to learn how to yield to each other, and they need to complete activities that will bring them closer together such as the Gottman Island Survival Game. These, and other activities, will help you to let your partner influence you for good.

Lastly, in the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, he states that we need repentance in order to overcome pride. He says, “When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give of our time and energy to bless those around us-especially those with whom we have made covenants.” We need the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ in order to be able to make a marriage work.