SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND
This week we actually finished both
of the books that we have been reading throughout the whole semester. I loved
reading the book The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. They are
both written by inspired men and I look forward to the day when I will be able
to apply the things that I have learned to my own marriage. For now, I will
have to practice using them on my roommates.
In finishing these wonderful books,
I learned a lot about understanding other people. In John Gottman’s book, he
talked about overcoming gridlocked disagreements. A gridlocked disagreement is
something that meets all of these criteria: “you [and your spouse have] had the
same argument again and again with no resolution; neither of you can address
the issue with humor, empathy, or affection; the issue is becoming increasingly
polarized as time goes on; and compromise seems impossible because it would
mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs,
values, or sense of self.” These kinds of disagreement can include things such
as careers, the spending and earning of money, deciding how many children to
have and when. When you have one of these disagreements, Gottman suggests three
things that you need to do. You need to: “explore the dreams, soothe, and reach
a temporary compromise using the two circle method.” Doing these things will
help you to understand your spouse better and you will be able to work through
things together.
In Wallace
Goddard’s book, he talks about having charity. It’s a powerful lesson that we
all need to learn if we expect our marriages to succeed. Goddard says that “the
natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more
easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a
choice-a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to
see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity
can be the lens through which we see each other.” As we choose to see others
the way that our Heavenly Father sees them, we will be less likely to focus on
weaknesses and more likely to focus on strengths.
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