MANAGING CONFLICT
This week we read and
learned about different kinds of contention and conflict and how to handle
them. We read in the book The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman about the two types
of marital conflict and how to solve solvable problems. The two types of
conflict involve perpetual and solvable problems. Dr. Gottman says that
perpetual problems are ones that have been on-going and take longer to solve, while
solvable problems are the ones that have recently started and they are easier
to tackle head on. The book offers several exercises that you can complete in
order to see which of these categories your marital problems fall into. Then in
the next chapter, he offers suggestions on how to solve the solvable problems.
It includes the following steps: soften your start-up, learn to make and
receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and
process any grievances so that they don’t linger. These steps will help you to
solve any problems that you have and help you to have a happier marriage.
Satan
doesn’t want us to resolve our marital conflicts. In a talk given by Elder Lynn
G. Robbins of the seventy titled Agency
and Anger, he states that, “The family is…Satan’s primary target. He is
waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he
has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He
damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His
strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of
contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one
with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe
for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring
to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for
several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.” We need to be aware of this and
do our best to resolve conflicts before they get out of hand.
In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H.
Wallace Goddard, he offers a way to do that by saying, “John Gottman’s research
on marriage shows that partners who exchange equal numbers of positives and
negatives are not those who are happily married. Though it may sound like a
50-50 relationship, they are at high risk of divorce. In contrast, the best
indicator that a relationship would be loving and enduring was five positives for
each negative! Rather than act as a careful investor, happy marriage partners
throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.”
We must act out of love for our partner.
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