Transitions in Marriage

TRANSITIONS

           

This week was all about making transitions in marriage. These transitions take place as a child moves from being single, into marriage, and then into parenthood. In the book Till Debt Do Us Part, the author Dr. Bernard E. Poduska includes a chart that lists the different stages that a person goes through during their lifetime. This chart is:

These stages represent normal stages that the average person goes through.

In a book chapter titled Creating Health Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, the authors Mames M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen talk about how to make the transition from being single to being married. One of the hardest things is building up a relationship with the in-laws. They list several things that can help to make that transition easier. They said,

“Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that will help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other’s being first in the marriage are important steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.”

This means that it is important to keep in contact with parents on both sides, but you need to make sure that that relationship does not come before your relationship as husband and wife. That relationship always needs to come first.

            In the end of the chapter in Till Debt Do Us Part, Poduska talks about something else that is important in the transition into marriage which is managing finances. He offers ten financial principles that are very helpful. They are,

            “1: Financial problems are usually behavior problems rather than money problems.

2. If you continue doing what you have been doing, you will continue getting what you have been getting.

            3. Nothing (no thing) is worth risking the relationship.

4. Money spent on things you value usually leads to a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Money spent on things you do not value usually leads to a feeling of frustration and futility.

5. We know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

6. You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you.

7. Financial freedom is more often the result of decreased spending than of increased income.

8. Be grateful for what you have.

9. The best things in life are free.

10. The value of individuals should never be equated with their net worth.”

As we follow these principles of keeping in contact with our in-laws, but also establishing our independence, and managing our finances as a couple, we will be able to make the transition into marriage easier. 

Family Councils

FAMILY COUNCILS

This week we learned about a topic that I am passionate about. We read a chapter in the book titled Counseling with our Councils which was written by M. Russell Ballard on how to hold a council. We read about how the leaders of our church hold councils and I think it’s a good pattern that we can use for our own families. The pattern that the church leaders follow is working from an agenda, expressing love and concern for one another, having an opening prayer, addressing items on the agenda, allowing each member to speak, coming to a consensus, and closing with prayer. This pattern is inspired and as we use it in our own homes, we will begin to see the blessings that can come from that. The Lord will be able to guide our decisions and we will grow closer as a family.   

meeting. we Spirit into the room and we were able to proceed with our coucil receive compliments. it family council. we genda,

A few semesters ago, I was able to take another class that talked about marriage and we read several chapters from this book. When we read this, along with other chapters about the council method, we were encouraged to hold our own family council. We had to follow this pattern exactly and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. Since I was living in Rexburg, I held my family council over skype with my parents. My other two siblings had already moved out and so we were just a family of three. We began by expressing love for each other and each person was able to give and receive compliments. It brought the Spirit into the room and we were able to proceed with our council meeting. We talked about some really important issues and everyone had a say in the decision. I learned through that experience that it’s important to have a regular time every week to meet together as a family. It is especially important as children start to get older because it is a time when they know that their thoughts and ideas will be heard and that the family can discuss current issues they are facing. Holding family councils is something that I am going to do with my children because it strengthens the bond between parents and children.

This link takes you to a powerful video on family councils:
LDS Family Councils Video

Intimacy

INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

“I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.” This quote which comes from an article titled They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage which was written by Brent A. Barlow is a great summary of what we learned about this week. This week our focus was on intimacy in marriage which is such an interesting subject. It's interesting because people don't usually like to talk about it but it's a normal part of life. Most people want to get married and have a family and that's only possible through intimacy.

At the same time, intimacy doesn’t always have to be sexual. In the dictionary, intimacy is stated as meaning “close familiarity or friendship; closeness”. This means that intimacy can be demonstrated in a variety of ways such as a hug, a kiss, holding hands, sitting close to someone, or even just having a conversation. Just like in the quote shared at the beginning, this is all about thinking of someone else before you think of yourself. In this case, we are talking about intimacy in marriage which helps you to get to know your spouse better. The more time you spend with them the more familiar you become with who they are as a person.

Intimacy in marriage is generally thought of as sexual intimacy. This type is important in a marriage because it brings two people together as husband and wife. Sexual intimacy has been ordained of God if it is performed in the right way, at the right time, and by people who are married and committed to each other. In the end it is said by Wallace Goddard that “Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.” We need to make sure we always stay true to the covenants we make with our spouse in the holy temple. 

Seeking to Understand

SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND

This week we actually finished both of the books that we have been reading throughout the whole semester. I loved reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. They are both written by inspired men and I look forward to the day when I will be able to apply the things that I have learned to my own marriage. For now, I will have to practice using them on my roommates.

In finishing these wonderful books, I learned a lot about understanding other people. In John Gottman’s book, he talked about overcoming gridlocked disagreements. A gridlocked disagreement is something that meets all of these criteria: “you [and your spouse have] had the same argument again and again with no resolution; neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection; the issue is becoming increasingly polarized as time goes on; and compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.” These kinds of disagreement can include things such as careers, the spending and earning of money, deciding how many children to have and when. When you have one of these disagreements, Gottman suggests three things that you need to do. You need to: “explore the dreams, soothe, and reach a temporary compromise using the two circle method.” Doing these things will help you to understand your spouse better and you will be able to work through things together.

            In Wallace Goddard’s book, he talks about having charity. It’s a powerful lesson that we all need to learn if we expect our marriages to succeed. Goddard says that “the natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice-a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” As we choose to see others the way that our Heavenly Father sees them, we will be less likely to focus on weaknesses and more likely to focus on strengths. t we all need to learn if we expect our marriages to succeed. ircle method."se it would mean selling out-

Conflict in Marriage

MANAGING CONFLICT

This week we read and learned about different kinds of contention and conflict and how to handle them. We read in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman about the two types of marital conflict and how to solve solvable problems. The two types of conflict involve perpetual and solvable problems. Dr. Gottman says that perpetual problems are ones that have been on-going and take longer to solve, while solvable problems are the ones that have recently started and they are easier to tackle head on. The book offers several exercises that you can complete in order to see which of these categories your marital problems fall into. Then in the next chapter, he offers suggestions on how to solve the solvable problems. It includes the following steps: soften your start-up, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and process any grievances so that they don’t linger. These steps will help you to solve any problems that you have and help you to have a happier marriage.

Satan doesn’t want us to resolve our marital conflicts. In a talk given by Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the seventy titled Agency and Anger, he states that, “The family is…Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29; emphasis added). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.” We need to be aware of this and do our best to resolve conflicts before they get out of hand.

In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, he offers a way to do that by saying, “John Gottman’s research on marriage shows that partners who exchange equal numbers of positives and negatives are not those who are happily married. Though it may sound like a 50-50 relationship, they are at high risk of divorce. In contrast, the best indicator that a relationship would be loving and enduring was five positives for each negative! Rather than act as a careful investor, happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” We must act out of love for our partner. 

Pride

PRIDE

This week was all about pride in a marriage. We learned about what it is, how it manifests itself, and how to combat its effects. According to the Webster’s dictionary, pride is “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” This means that we put ourselves above other people and we think that we are better than them. This can be incredibly harmful to any marriage, let alone relationship. One person will think they are better than the other one and the other person will feel put down and belittled.

In the talk Beware of Pride, the author, President Ezra Taft Benson, defines pride in this way, “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” In reading through this quote, we can see how pride can cause problems in a marriage. In order to help couples avoid these and other problems, John M. Gottman has stated in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, several things to think about. He says that husbands need to learn from their wives, husbands need to be emotionally intelligent, both partners need to learn how to yield to each other, and they need to complete activities that will bring them closer together such as the Gottman Island Survival Game. These, and other activities, will help you to let your partner influence you for good.

Lastly, in the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, he states that we need repentance in order to overcome pride. He says, “When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give of our time and energy to bless those around us-especially those with whom we have made covenants.” We need the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ in order to be able to make a marriage work.

Turning Towards Each Other

TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER

           

This week we discussed ways that we can turn towards our spouse. In the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman, he talks first about obstacles that we face when it comes to turning towards our spouse. He says that one of them is “missing a bid because it’s wrapped up in anger or another negative emotion”. This means that our spouse it trying to tell us something and we are too wrapped up in our own thoughts that we aren’t able to read through their emotions and discern what they are actually trying to say to us. This can be hard on both people because one person is trying to communicate, and the other is trying to understand, but both people are having a hard time. The second obstacle is “being distracted by the wired world”. This means that we really need to be present with our spouse and give them our full undivided attention. We should not be trying to respond to texts or emails when we are also trying to spend time with our spouse. This will not strengthen the relationship and will actually cause things to be worse. You need to unplug and really focus on each other.

Dr. Gottman also includes some exercises that will help us to strengthen our relationship with each other. These include “the emotional bank account, the stress-reducing conversation, and talking it out”. These three activities will help us to draw closer to our spouse and help our marriage to become stronger than it was before.

In a later chapter, Dr. Gottman talks about the four pillars of shared meaning. They are: “rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols”. Each of these pillars comes with a questionnaire that you can fill out with your spouse to see where you stand on it. These need to be strengthened in order to have a better marriage. The questionnaires have a series of questions that you can discuss with your spouse and then talk about ways to improve.

To wrap things up, Brother H. Wallace Goddard shares a quote in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage that says, “Spouses unchanged by the Spirit of God are likely to find fault with many things their partners say and do. This tendency can be replaced by a much more helpful one. When our partners say or do things that surprise or bother us, we can begin a friendly investigation. In our own minds we can ask ourselves, "I wonder why he feels or acts that way?" "I wonder why that is important to her?" Rather than judging our partners, we can seek to understand them.”

Love, Admiration, and Fondness

LOVE, ADMIRATION, AND FONDNESS

This week we read some more chapters in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D. The chapters were about enhancing your love map with your spouse, and nurturing your fondness and admiration. They were really great chapters and I was able to learn a lot of things about myself and what I want in a future spouse. In the chapter on enhancing your love map, Dr. Gottman suggests three activities that will help you enhance the love map you have of your spouse. The activities include: the love map twenty questions game, asking open ended questions, and the “Who am I” activity. Each of these activities will increase your awareness of the needs of your spouse and will help you to each have better love maps of each other.

In the chapter on nurturing fondness and admiration, Dr. Gottman suggests some activities that will fan the flames of your marriage. These activities include: the “I appreciate…” activity, the history and philosophy of your relationship, cherishing your partner, and a seven-week course in fondness and admiration. Each of these activities will help you to have greater appreciation and admiration for your spouse.

As I was reading about these different activities, I was thinking about my own parents and what makes their marriage work. They consistently tell each other that they love and support each other. They also know what is going on in each other’s lives, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, etc. It shows that they love and value each other and that they have deep admiration and fondness for each other.

My favorite activity from all of the activities that were mentioned in both chapters was the seven week course in fondness and admiration. Each day for seven weeks, the book gives you something to think about and something to do that will strengthen the relationship you have with your spouse. Some of them are easy such as writing down a characteristic of your spouse that makes you proud, and some of them require a little more thought such as planning an outing or a romantic date with your spouse. All of the activities are geared towards increasing your admiration and fondness for your spouse.

The Four Horsemen

FOUR HORSEMEN OF MARRIAGE

This week has definitely been my favorite. I love learning about ways to make my future marriage better. My favorite part of the reading was learning about the four horsemen from John Gottman. He says that the four housemen of the apocalypse for a marriage are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He goes on to explain what each of these mean and how to identify them.

Criticism: A criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. A complaint also has three parts which include: here’s how I feel, about a very specific situation, and here’s what I need/want/prefer.  In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. An example would be “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.” They also start out by being quite harsh.

Contempt: This is a form of disrespect that arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. Examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. It is a type of poison for relationships because it conveys disgust. It also leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

Defensiveness: This is a way of blaming your partner for things. In effect, you’re saying that “The problem is not me, it is you.” One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” stance, which often results in whining and sends a certain message to your partner. It escalates conflict and that is one of the many reasons why it is so deadly and damaging to marriages.

Stonewalling: This happens when one of the spouses tunes out of the conversation. Stonewallers don’t give the typical cues to their spouse that say that they are listening and understanding. They usually just look away and don’t say anything. They act as if they just don’t care about anything the other person is saying. This can also be very harmful for a marriage.

These four horsemen are important to remember because once we understand them, we are better able to recognize them and get rid of them. My goal is to focus on getting rid of these one at a time. This will only happen as I learn more about them and examine my own life more closely.

Information was adapted from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. artner for things. In effect, you' it y over on'out the other'

Doctrine of Marriage

DOCTRINE OF MARRIAGE

            I absolutely love learning about the gospel perspective on marriage. And I loved the readings for this week because they were all talks from apostles. Because I loved them so much, most of my post this week will be quotes from the different talks. The first quote that I loved comes from the talk Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan by Elder David A. Bednar. He said, “After the earth was created, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden. Importantly, however, God said it was “not good that the man should be alone” and Eve became Adam’s companion and helpmeet. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness.” That is so powerful because it shows that we need both men and women. The combination of those two is what makes up a marriage. I also liked what Elder Bruce C. Hafen had to say about Adam and Eve in his talk titled Covenant Marriage. He said, “Christ’s life is the story of giving the Atonement. The life of Adam and Eve is the story of receiving the Atonement, which empowered them to overcome their separation from God and all opposition until they were eternally “at one,” with the Lord, and with each other.” This was actually mind blowing because I hadn’t really thought about it in that way! But then I realized that we learn that principle and doctrine in the temple. I love going to the temple because it is where I feel the closest to heaven. In the talk What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple, President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Now let me say something else to all who can worthily go to the House of the Lord. When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you: you will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears; you will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before; your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you; you will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised; you will receive the key of the knowledge of God, you will learn how you can be like Him, even the power of godliness will be manifest to you; and you will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.”’ These blessings are real and they are available to us. My final quote comes from President Joseph Fielding Smith in his talk titled The Fullness of the Priesthood. He said, “With all my heart I say to those who are keeping the commandments, who are serving faithfully in the Church, and who are working for the good and betterment of mankind generally, with all my heart I say: The Lord bless you; and you may rest assured that if you continue in the paths of truth and righteousness, he will welcome you into his eternal kingdom and give you an inheritance with the prophets and saints of all ages.” It is my hope and prayer that we will do everything we can to be good husbands and wives or to prepare to become such. We can do this by keeping the commandments, and doing those other things that we need to such as attending the temple.

Same Sex Marriage

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

            This week’s readings were pretty interesting. I don’t really like reading or learning about same sex marriage because I am so opposed to it, but I did love the talk by Elder Russell M. Nelson titled Disciples of Jesus Christ–Defenders of Marriage. In it he talks about how we can promote light and truth and not just attack the darkness. He talked about how we need both mothers and fathers in the world. My favorite quote from his talk is, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.” That is so powerful because that is what we need to promote in this world. I also really loved the additional videos that were included in the links because they showed how we can promote the traditional family with a mother and a father without forcing anything down anyone’s throat or getting in trouble with other people. It was cool to see a real life example of a man going to work and living his beliefs. Even though he was called in, he was able to share what he believed in. That’s the most important part.

Going along with this topic, this semester I am taking a child and family advocacy class and we were talking about this same subject of same sex marriage. We talked about how men and women are created to be different but compatible with each other. One of my favorite visual analogies that my teacher used was the = and the +. When all of this stuff about same sex marriage was going on, it was popular to put an = as your profile picture on Facebook. But what is an =? It consists of two lines that are parallel, will never cross, and don’t amount to anything. But if you take those same two lines and put one perpendicular, it looks like this: +. A + is a symbol that means addition. The lines are the same, meaning that it still takes two people but in the +, they are going different directions. This means that men and women complement each other because they aren’t exactly the same. Also, because they are different, they are able to create an increase. An = is representative of two people who equal each other but a + sign is representative of two people who complement each other and that can have an increase.

Divorce

DIVORCE

            This week we were able to read about divorce and the role that it plays in the lives of children all over the world. We were able to watch some videos and read several articles and talks on the subject. Through all of the reading, I kept thinking of the family proclamation. It gives us a basis for what a family is and its roles. But specifically from the reading my favorite quote came from Elder Dallin H. Oaks talk titled Divorce. He said, “The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce.” That just hit me so hard that we need to plan to get married but not plan to get divorced. It broke my heart watching the video of the children that go to a special school because they come from a divorced home. I am glad that they have places like that for those children to go, but it makes me sad that those places are necessary. In the readings, it also talked a lot about how children that come from a divorced home don’t do as well socially, emotionally, physically, and in other domains. Children need a father and a mother who are married to each other and who will remain faithful. I also thought the studies were interesting that they did on the difference between divorced homes and cohabitating homes. The data shows that those children don’t do as well. This is stated in the article by Paul R. Amato titled The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation. In that article he says, “Research clearly demonstrates that children growing up with two continuously married parents are less likely than other children to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, not only during childhood, but also in adulthood.” This shows that traditional families are what children need and will always need. It’s also important to remember that if you come from divorced parents, you can break the cycle and become what Carlfred Broderick calls a transitional character. This is someone that changes the future and does not fall into the traditions of their fathers.